Said in frustration with a slight rhythm Oh oh oh oh oh
Back to normal Since going to 3Generate (Methodist Youth Assembly) a couple of weeks ago there has been something that has come up time and time again, in completely unrelated places and situations. Perhaps it isn't so odd considering the theme of 3Generate. Calling. Response. Promise.
But, I'm frustrated. Annoyed even. At the weekend I acknowledge that call that God has placed on my life. Or shall I say the call I believe God has placed on my life. Yet He still keeps bringing it up! I'm reading a blog, and then I discover that underneath it all it is about predestination, and where we are going. I turn up to youth group on Sunday and we talk about where God guides us and how. I end up talking about the calling I am living now. We watch Even Almighty, its based around the story of Noah. It shows how God does use us, and how His plans are mightier than ours. How we cannot work against God.
There is a great line in the film, where Even (think Noah) is talking to Morgan Freeman who plays God (very well if you ask me) and Even says "But what about my plans?!" And God just laughs "Your plans??"
And this is my frustration. I have given up on some plans to try and follow this calling. I mean, university! I might not have done very well there, but think of the fun I could have had, a bit more care free living (sorry if this is not actually how uni is!) I wanted to be a doctor! Then I realised I was no good at chemistry, I wanted to work out in the fields. Instead right now I am working in a shop, selling stuff for people who go (or pretend to) and play and work in the fields. You've called me, and I've said yes. But I'm not there yet.
There are other things that I've planned that I cannot give up. I'm prepared to postpone them somewhat, but not completely. Maybe this is what is stopping things. That I'm not giving everything to You? But you know me better than anyone else, and you know that I cannot do this alone. And I'm worried if I start this alone, I won't ever find someone to walk next to me physically as we walk spiritually side by side.
I wholeheartedly believe that you have put 2 calls on my life. One for you, and another to family life. So I'm frustrated that I'm only feeling the emphasis on one of those. And even then that seems to be moving slowly. That might have something to do with the fact I'm writing this, and not an essay.
Am I being too selfish? Probably. Am I looking at the bigger picture? Probably not. But when I feel called into ministry, why do I have to do so much jumping through hoops?! Again, this is very short-sighted of me. But that is where my frustration lies. That I will end up exercising and practising one call, and not the other.
I do not want to end up with no one to share my journey with. I don't want to come home to an empty house. I want it to be filled with laughter and joy. I know that is what you want to. So my question is when?
You've given me a massive push this last couple of weeks. Please help me a little more. Give me time to find out what to do next. Give me the time and wisdom to write these essays. Because I honestly don't know what the next step is.
So take me as You find me,
All my fears and failures,
Fill my life again.
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in,
Now I surrender.
That is some of my frustration. I fear being alone. Help?